Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
