I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
