My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
