My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
