Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
