and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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