I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
