He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
