Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
