I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
not ubering you a puppy
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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