some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
