Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
