I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
