Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
