The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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