she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
