i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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