we have pet lesbian snakes
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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