you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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