I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
