Michael Bay diarrhea
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
