I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I want a musical about memes.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
