Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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