Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
