I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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