Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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