You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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