I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
