Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
