i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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