i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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