I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My vagina is officially offended.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
