Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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