I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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