Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
