We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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