You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
