im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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