Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
pray to the hookup gods
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
