Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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