I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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