i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I will pee on everything he values.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
