I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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