I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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