Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
