im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
where are my eyebrows?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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