I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
