so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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