whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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