My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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