So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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